Lessons from Tetris: If you let someone else determine how you fit in…the real you disappears.

I’m going to start this post off with a challenge for you. My challenge is that you schedule some time after you read this to do the following: get out in nature (or whatever scenery you find relaxing), go on an extended walk, and spend that time in reflection. No headphones. Just you and your thoughts.

Jay Shetty, in his “Think Like a Monk” book lists a study done where participants were provided a choice. They could either sit alone in their thoughts for fifteen minutes or receive an electric shock. The results were quite shocking…sorry, not sorry…I had to. It’s an interesting thing to ponder why the average person would select physical pain over a moment of introspection and personal development. But if you’re like me where you’ve experienced some trauma in your life, then you know…it’s like asking you to return to the very battlefield where you were wounded. When presented with a pick your poison of physical pain or psychological pain, humans consider physical pain the lesser of two evils.

We’ll fill up our calendars with anything else. And if we can’t find an activity, we’ll endlessly scroll social media or engage in addictive activities. Fun fact. The chemical affect on the brain from cocaine or heroin is similar to the chemical changes that take place when you experience feelings of love. A desire to be loved seems to be a hard wired trait in most of the humans I’ve met. So before we rush to any judgement on people who use hard drugs, maybe we need to explore why there’s such a significant shortage of love in this world that a cheap substitute with significant life altering side effects is considered an upgrade over how that person feels right now. Risking permanent damage to their minds and bodies and criminal charges to boot. What a hard place to be. I hope you can’t relate to someone who was handled a bottle when what they really needed was a hug. To be in a state of such emotional malnutrition that you accept the smallest of life’s bread crumbs. And for you, it it may not be drugs or alcohol. It might be online gambling. It might be social media validation. It’s the same part of the brain you’re trying to fool with distractions or numbing agents. I know when I’ve felt unworthy of love; rum helps…a lot. Calms a nervous system that’s in overdrive and spiraling. It’s hard to overthink when you overdrink. But, I’m not my best version of myself when I do this. It numbs out some of those negative thoughts and makes me feel warm inside until the buzz wears off, but if I drink too much; it distracts me from my purpose…and that’s far too high of a price to pay. It hurts my sleep cycle and it robs me of the next day. And then when you’re hung over; whatever you were running away from finds you. It’s like delaying a credit card bill and now there’s interest tacked onto it.

If we can come to the agreement that we need more love in this world, then we only have two paths forward.

Path one is the easy path. If we decide that keeping our hearts alive in a dangerous world is too high of a task, then we can continue to distract ourselves, numb, and/or accept cheap alternatives. We can go through life passively. Basically live like that GIF of the dog drinking his coffee in a house that’s burning down proclaiming “this is fine”. We can let our social media reels and Tik Tok tell us our worth. When they trigger us, we’ll respond to their brokenness with a dose of our own brokenness. And I’m not discrediting them for their criticisms. There are some hard truths in some of that red pill content that I wish were presented in a spirit of love instead of a spirit of condemnation and despair. I could do a whole blog post about red pill content (and I probably will). Why it exists, why it’s appealing, but ultimately presenting you with an alternative path. I’ll say this for now. I think a lot of our troubles lies in the fact that there’s a lot of people out there who are skilled at winning our heart when they don’t posses the ability to treasure it…and they’re doing real damage. Then you get the desire to damage them right back. My theory is that desire is rooted in a longing to live in harmony with one another. That when we’re feeling betrayed and broken, we want them to understand in the exact measure of how it feels in our soul. That the experience will help them to understand you better; understand your wounds better. Goes back to our desire to be known and understood. And as Ted Lasso likes to say “hurt people hurt people, man”. But going down this road won’t help you. It will just strip away another layer of your humanity. Far far too high of a price to pay.

Here’s the thing about that second path, though. It’s an uphill climb. You’ll need to put in the work. On this path you learn to forgive and let go. You learn how to love your neighbors who can sometimes be irritable and judgmental. On this path, we courageously step up to do whatever it takes to be a visual representation of character within our community. We model for those who are younger than us how to walk in integrity and treat others with respect (including how we treat ourselves - If your compassion for others doesn’t include yourself, than it is incomplete” - Jack Kornfield). But, how do we get there? I think you start by taking inventory of our surroundings. Analyze the energy you’re putting out into the world and what it’s getting for you. If your life doesn’t look the way you wish it would, why not make some adjustments? John Delony has a great way of putting it. He suggests you picture what you want your home to feel like. What you want your friends group to look like. What you want your love life to look like. I’ll share mine. I’d love to be surrounded by a community that is: compassionate, inclusive, joyful, patient, forgiving, and curious. So for us to manifest that environment together, what must be true about how we show up for other people? We’d need to accept extreme accountability and be intentional in our actions. If you wish to have friends, you must first show yourself to be friendly. You have to have hope and the courage to risk rejection. You’ll have to search your heart on where yours will come from. My hope comes from my faith in God.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. - Romans 15:13

I’m sure I’ve lost some of our audience by including scripture. There’s no way for me to know your experience with organized religion, so extend me some grace for not knowing what I don’t know about how your faith community has treated you. But if you have been mistreated by the very place that is commissioned to model forgiveness, benevolence, and unconditional love, then I am truly sorry. I’ll take it a step further. I’m enraged for you. Your standing in the Kingdom isn’t conditional upon how they see you, but how God sees you. If you’re looking for your heart to be filled with love…it’s a safe haven for those who are weary and He will give you rest - Matthew 11:28. If any of that stirs up any curiosity, shoot our Instagram page a DM and let’s chat.

If you’re looking for some direction on how to become the best version of yourself outside the realm of religion, send these content creates a follow: John Delony, Jay Shetty, Mel Robbins, Matthew Hussey, Tony Robbins, the tv show Ted Lasso (yeah, seriously, it will change your life), David Kessler, Gary V, Simon Sinek, Will Guidera, Esther Perel and Brene Brown. Change up your algorithm away from the street interviews or hot take content that take cheap shots to get clicks. It’s drinking poison. Unfollow any and all content creators that are bad for your mental health. Replace them with positive content. It’s out there. Your cell phone is an extension of your home. You wouldn’t let just anyone into your apartment/home. You welcome people in who prove themselves to be trustworthy. Anyone who makes you feel unsafe and unworthy doesn’t belong in your algorithm.

Thanks for reading!

Jim Murray