“It’s the hope that kills you…”
Don’t be surprised if within minutes of meeting me I try to persuade you to watch the TV show Ted Lasso. It’s a beautifully written story of a Midwestern, positive energy players coach who joins a toxic workforce & locker room and transforms it through: unreasonable hospitality, compassion, unrelenting optimism, inclusiveness and forgiveness.
In one of their finest episodes, several characters share this old adage with Ted whenever he makes an effort to make them believe. “Don’t you know Ted, it’s the hope that kills you”.
Their statement resonates because there’s truth to it. It’s demonstrated in the movie “500 Days of Summer” in a scene titled “Expectations vs. reality”. In this scene, the main character, Tom, dares to have sky high hopes for what he considers a budding romance. The director allows you to see the body language and attention he’s hoping to receive from his crush on the left side of the screen and the reality of his relationship on the right side, where in every frame; the reality fails to live up to his fantasy. The disappointment of unrewarded optimism. It’s a longing in your heart that can present you with the temptation to completely wall off your heart to prevent further damage.
You might be wondering where I’m going with this as I have seemingly contradicted myself away from a place of optimism. But, maybe two things can be true. I agree with cynics that it’s a hard to keep your heart alive in a dangerous world. That to share your love with the world will expose you to daily rejection…a gut wrenching experience we’ve all felt in one way or another. I’ve seen some influencers/life coaches who claim that they’ve re-wired their brains to either love being rejected or to be completely apathetic to even the initial sting of it. Maybe I just haven’t been able to unlock that level of mindfulness, because rejection flat out sucks. Your brain receives something you perceive as negative feedback and rapidly concocts a story that can lead you on a downward spiral. This person feels this way because (insert your biggest insecurity here) and everyone else probably feels this way too, they were just bold enough to say the quiet part out loud. It’s like a case of emotional internal bleeding and the people around you could have no idea that you’re even injured. Most guys will hide the wound and deny it’s existence. But if someone suffers from internal bleeding, ignoring medical care can be incredibly reckless. We have an inherent human need for safety and connection and sometimes it requires bravery to admit that we need each other.
Now, back to that Ted Lasso reference:
Ted approaches his football club in “it’s the hope that kills you” and delivers one of his signature fireside chats to his club.
Ted: So I’ve been hearing this phrase y’all got over here that I ain’t too crazy about. “It’s the hope that kills you. “Y’all know that?" I disagree. I think it’s the lack of hope that comes and gets you. See, I belive in hope. I believe in believe. Now, where I’m from, we got a saying too, yeah? A question, actually. “Do you believe in miracles? Now, I don’t need y’all to answer that question for me… but I do want you to answer that question for yourselves. Right now. Do you believe in miracles? And if you do..then I want y’all to circle up with me right now.
For me, dealing with rejection is all about putting it in perspective and this concept I really owe to the emotionally intelligent Matthew Hussey. It’s not a matter of being immune to the fear of rejection. It’s about being more afraid of the consequences of regret. If you try and you fail, it will sting. But what will really wreck you is looking back on your life wishing you would have taken more risks. That you realize you let years of your life go by not living in your purpose because someone won’t approve. That you made it your mission in life to never experience another rejection again and as a result, you never really experienced anything worth risking it all for.
Someone stopped reading this in the first paragraph. Someone else has been hate reading this and can’t wait to comment about how cheesy or unhinged it sounds to them. If I don’t hit publish, I’d never have to feel their rejection. My thoughts are not for all people and I accept that. I’m not even for most people. If I am, I’m chameleonizing myself and not being my most authentic self. But by being authentically myself, I allow others who see the world through a similar set of lenses to reveal themselves too. By risking vulnerability in what you stand for, you find your people. It signals to those people that you can talk about the intricate nuances of life and that you welcome them into the discussion. It also helps weed out the people who aren’t right for you; which is also a win.
In the wise words of Hank Moody from Californication, “there is no life without love. None worth having anyway.” Take some risks today. If nothing else, you can lay your head down at night and be proud of yourself that you put yourself out there. Dare to hope and hope big. Introduce yourself to one new person at our next event and see where the night can take you. Dare to leave footprints of kindness wherever you go.
-Jim