“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”―Jack Kornfield

Do you fall into the group of humans who are so dutiful in complimenting and uplifting your friends, but you don’t extend that same level of compassion to yourself? Let me just start by stating that what you are feeling is human and you’re in good company.

I was talking to a friend recently, a quality time love language human, that described their experience in a situationship. The time they were able to spend with the other person was always on that other person’s terms.

Caught in the trap of subjugating their own needs in order to not to rock the boat and lose this person. They invested their time and energy in hopes that the other person would become more considerate of their needs as time progressed. They played it cooler than they actually were on the outside while they silently stomached things that irritated them. Eventually my friend got brave enough to have the conversation they needed to have. The other person wasn’t willing to give them what they desired and their fear of losing this person played out right before their eyes.

Their first move to was beat themselves up in the belief that they sabotaged their relationship. They blamed themselves for having basic human needs. Although I don’t chose to view it in those terms, I hope you sabotage relationships in which you have to subjectate your own needs to make the thing “work”. What you have lost is probably a great departure from the love story you envisioned for yourself growing up.

I experienced this dynamic in a couple of my past relationships. The turning point for me was making this mindset shift. They teach you in sales negotiation that a major secret to negotiating well is making peace with the worst outcome. In this case, make peace with losing someone who won’t show up for you in a relationship in the manner in which you need from a partner. You’re better off living a single life that you love and being in control of your own peace than being in a relationship where you have to beg your partner for a breadcrumb. And I know. I’ve also read stuff that says you have to be 100% happy on your own and not need anything from a partner, ever. Maybe some of you can live that way and hats off to you if you can! But it always left me feeling flat when someone rushed in to tell me to just “love myself”. I think we have an innate desire for community and connectedness and I think that part of us feels wounded when it’s suggested to love ourselves whenever we discuss the ways in which it hurts to live in this world with imperfect people.

My homework to you is to be kind to yourself. Someone once told me “I knew I should have left the relationship when ___ happened, but I stayed another six months. So it’s not that I don’t trust this new person, it’s that I don’t trust myself”.

First off, I understand the narrative that our head creates. I had to point out to that person: you weren’t ready to leave that relationship when you say you should have. You weren’t strong enough to leave at that time. But, you are no longer that person who wasn’t strong enough to leave that relationship. You are the person was was strong enough to leave today. You are that person. The person you were six months ago no longer exists. You’ve outgrown that person. And you might say, I didn’t chose to stay, they broke up with me. And I’d encourage you to take ownership in that breakup in a positive way. If you brought the discussion to light on how the dynamic isn’t working for you, then you put a spotlight on the ways in which this person isn’t showing up for you. You forced them to either show up or free you up to find someone who will. You are 50% of the culture of your relationship and it has to work for you too. You may have chameleonized yourself to blend into their culture of a relationship for a period of time, but that isn’t sustainable for the rest of your life. You’re a human being; not a pretzel.

If any of this resonates with you, you haven’t lost your perfect partner. It’s ok to grieve the loss of who you hoped they would be, but you can’t grieve them as if they were the love of your life. That person is still ahead of you. You’ve lost a situation where you had to subjecate your own needs, brought you anxiety, and forced you to settle for less than you deserve. Be thankful that you didn’t remain in a relationship where you have to live off breadcrumbs for the rest of your life. You’re free to find a genuine soul who is aligned in your life goals and adores you.